My little man is spoiled. He is now crying if he wants a toy or wants me. It is funny. Wonder how long it will take before he realizes that he can’t always get his way. I fussed at him and told him “don’t you do that”. He looked at me and smiled.

Today has been hard. I woke up as tired as I was when I went to bed even though the baby slept through the night. My body aches all over and it is slowing me down with already having a lot on my list of things I need and want to do. The biggest thing right now is that I am forgetting days. I thought yesterday was Saturday and that Ben was at his dads for the weekend. Ed told me when he realized that I didn’t know Ben was at school that it was Monday. I had not planned on Ben eating and hadn’t made a plate for him for when he got home after wrestling practice. Then this morning I was up when Ed left for work and thought the baby and I were alone. I was changing the baby’s diaper when I heard someone in the kitchen. It confused me and thought Ed had come home. It was Ben making his breakfast before school. I had forgotten he was home….again. This is becoming inconvenient. I go to the doctors Friday.

Here we go…. another detour in the road. I pretty much thought that I knew what my future is going to be. With Ed, it is to live together, enjoy the high moments and deal with the drama. With Nik, it was to play it by ear, watch him grow and develop into the final version of who he is to be and support him, no matter what, in his decisions. With Ben, it is to get him through high school and make sure he has a great final year, to send him off to the Air Force and keep tabs with him on a daily basis at first and then drift off to a weekly thing and to see the man of who he is to be. With baby Eddie, it is to be the Super Mom and be involved in every part of his life. To be “team mom” on his football team and soccer team. To take him to the park and on field trips. To be as active with him as I was with the older boys. But yesterday changed the way I look at my future now. I was at the Christenbury Eye Center yesterday in Charlotte. They had every kind of “toy” you could think of and some that I have never even knew could be. There were scanning lights that took pictures of my eyes. I mean I could go through a list but it doesn’t matter. What did matter was that Dr. Christenbury himself saw something in my right eye and called in another doctor. That concerned me but whatever. They ended up putting a rounded tip needle (no it wasn’t sharp) under my right eye ball and pushed it up (which didn’t feel good) while looking in the pupil (while dilated). There is something that I don’t know how to pronounce and said it is something they see with MS. I didn’t even know what MS was and thought that I am to old to get anything now in this stage of my life. The bad part of it all and what I am going have to deal with is that there is no simple test for MS. You have to take tests to rule out everything else out and that can take a year or two. Tests like MRI, Spinal Tap, CAT Scan, etc. But all the symptoms I am 100% yes to. My family doctor knows my symptoms because of the different doctors I have seen before over the years. From numbing and tiggling in my hands and arms, forgetting a lot all of the time… to where Ed and the boys will look at me like “have you lost your mind…I just told you this yesterday or an hour ago”, dim vision where Ben had to lead me to the car twice while out shopping, losing my balance (which they thought was vertigo that disappeared by itself magically…lol), fatigue which I will still feel after a 15 hour sleep, my muscle on my shoulders and neck get really stiff and I thought was the reason for my extreme headaches, the nerves around my left eye will twitch and I can’t stop it, I have had bowel problems for years which I even call them “my attacks”, and the depression is there which I have been on meds for about four years now. Now this thing shows up in my eye and they say….oh, it is a sign for MS. I am praying that this is not the case. I do not want this at all! I don’t have time for something like MS. And I have to try and believe there is no way. But I am sad and worried. Mostly because everything that I have dealt with over the years regarding my health now seems to make sense when before they couldn’t explain it. I debated about telling anyone until I am sure but that could be a year and I need to get this out. When you talk about something, it takes the sting out of it. I have a feeling that the doctor yesterday is right. It all fits. It all makes sense now. And if so, oh well. Like Ed says, we’ll deal with it and it will be alright. I am still not sure of what MS is all about. I know that it is scarring of the nerves which also is called “Many Scars”. And it mostly effects your memory, vision and moods but also effects your motor skill at some point. God I hope not. Like I have said so many times before, I truly believe in the power of prayer. When the doctors told me that little Eddie would have Down Syndrome… a one out of twelve chance….I believed in the power of prayer and have both my churches praying. Eddie is fine. Just perfect. So anyone that may be reading this, if you believe in prayer, please include me. I don’t want this more for Eddie than myself. I want him to have a mom that can physcially and mentally take care of him and be physcially and mentally involve in his life. I go next Friday to begin the process of tests. I will update on my journal here. This is a way I can keep track of everything and as always, a way for my kids to see the past of our lives. This journal is our history. And in some cases, my outlet.